Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch