Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
When news reporters do sports stories
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.