Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.