Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.