[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”