Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
just arby’s bein’ a bro
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.