Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
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On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.