Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

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*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.


Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.


Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives


Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere


Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.


THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
ME: she was speechless


Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.


“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes