@jctwritesstuff

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

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@HoneyWooWoo

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

@Darlainky

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

@MavenofHonor

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

@UnFitz

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

@iGreenGod

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

@ashleyaustrew

“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes