Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
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The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Okay, I’m still confused…
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall