Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
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Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Ok, but like, how married are you?
As a doctor, I can confirm
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
🐶😂
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.