[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
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They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits