Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”