“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*