“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
You Might Also Like
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Pizza is an emotion right?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
that would 100% work on me
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?