being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!
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Psychologist: Go to your happy place.
Me: *grabs car keys*
Psychologist: Where are you going?
Me: The liquor store.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
i fixed ur flag pin for u sean
the h in university stands for happiness
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”