Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Oh hi lol
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
me linking you to my twitter
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day