@leshnevsky

– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!

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@edamamiiiii

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

@DumbConfessions

Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.

@lazerdoov

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

@chuuew

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

@chloethesiren

My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”