Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
You Might Also Like
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I am crying
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go