Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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The best plant holders?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The government even made aliens boring
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
good morning
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White