Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs