Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*