@WheelTod

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

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@thequareman

Did you know cats only meow to communicate with us? If they’re not raised around people they don’t do it. They are trying to make a human voice. Nice try cats, we don’t sound like that. Smh.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

@Gupton68

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

@meowsepink

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

@AimeeHelene1

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

@kevinjrr

Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

@Leemanish

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning