Did you know cats only meow to communicate with us? If they’re not raised around people they don’t do it. They are trying to make a human voice. Nice try cats, we don’t sound like that. Smh.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning