Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No