Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞