Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Florida man
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.