Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

I’m giving up ice.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.