Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
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To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.