Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Rambo Rambow
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
