Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
