Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
This poor dog
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
