Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

And bowling should be called pinball

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

My biological clock is wheezing.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?