Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

My ideal weight is five million dollars

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

OH. COME. ON.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD