Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.