Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Lmao the reply

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.