Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

when she block me on everything

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”