Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

Woke up with morning Yule Log

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

This came to me in a dream.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”