Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Growing out my freckles.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

Morning all.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’