Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Good point.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?