Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Glasses
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine