Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
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Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.