Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.