Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.