Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.