Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Netflix: We have Less

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Dear Lord..

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.