Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Here to help

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what