Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

i’m gonna allow it

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

WHO DID THIS?

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.