Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

I will never stop laughing at this

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.