@SteveAmiri

July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

@GrantTanaka

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

@whatmaddness

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

@MasterOfFury

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

@1BigMick

Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.

@dafloydsta

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

@Jarhead44

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.