July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.

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Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??


[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis


*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later


*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light


I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.


Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.


Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.


Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.


FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.