My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
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[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
No Google it does not
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
blocked.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
WTF IS THAT!
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day