“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Seek kebab; not attention
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Introverted vegans go meetless
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.