July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
are there any atheist mantises?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.