July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.