Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

It be like that sometimes 😆

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it