Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
next question.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?