Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
You Might Also Like
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Nice try, NASA
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Has science gone too far?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Tell me you get it…🤣
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?