Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”