JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
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me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
This is the best one I’ve seen
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Classic German Shepherd 😂
