Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
real
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you