Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
(Jupiter –
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.