Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
#parenting
Smells like a challenge to me
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.