Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
#StillHurts
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.