Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes