Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
i think both sides are to blame here
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.