Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you