Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.