Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

omg leave her alone

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.