Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin