Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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Breaking news:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I’m not wrong
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.