Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

This is sending me to another galaxy

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣