JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
You Might Also Like
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary