Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.