[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
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Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.