Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

Hot hot hot 🥵

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism