Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Meow?

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

based

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.