@Reverend_Scott

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

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@pixelatedboat

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

@gavinmind

me: can I go on your yacht?
friend: no
me: why nacht?
friend: your texts are annoying
me: that’s what I thacht 🙁

@longwall26

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

@5hael

How long do you have to wait between naps?

@seamussaid

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

@DurtMcHurtt

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.