[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
🍛
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”