*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste